Literati: Sestina-esque Poem during a Physical Chemistry Exam

I hunger for meaning.
Define for me the world
of numbers, of thinking, of knowing.
And let the answer not be the face of stone.
Tell me the reason that you see.

What better joy there is than knowing
and understanding the meaning
of numbers, of knowledge, of the world.
Because what we know in our hearts is as hard as stone.
It is the reason of what we see.

But is it beauty before me that I see?
It seems to be gray and dull like that of a stone.
Beyond this façade, do we find the meaning
of all the things we search for in this world?
Could we find comfort in knowing?

– bebbv, circa 2003

***

I actually did write this during a test. It’s sestina-esque because it’s unfinished, and only has 5 lines per stanza. I didn’t bother adding the three stanzas I’m missing. I thought, a poem about a physical chemistry exam can only be written during a physical chemistry exam.

One might ask why was I writing a poem then. Did I not have the answers? Actually, truth be told, I did have the answers. I aced the test when everyone failed. To be honest I did not think very hard for this test, the calculations just flowed out of my pen. Hence, the spare time to write a poem.

I barely know anything about physical chemistry now, or calculus. Isn’t that weird that there are things you understand so fully at moments in time that you don’t even have to think about it? I wish I can say that with my life.

Thank You For Your Patience

More name change reflections.

I went to one bank and they took care of my request in 15 minutes. Literally, I was out of there in 15 minutes. That was really good. I start getting uneasy when I’m in a bank longer than 15 minutes. Paranoia perhaps but for me, the soonest that I am out of there, the better.

I finished that transaction and went to my other bank. Hate it! I came in, told them what I wanted to do, the lady asked me to have a seat, but she proceeded in assisting other customers whose needs were easier to direct. Fifteen minutes later, she went to the back and finally informed the lady at the back that I was there. Fifteen minutes already! Damn! I’m in the bank longer than I can tolerate.

Of course, I had to wait an hour more before I was seen by the lady at the back. The whole hour I was impatiently shaking my leg (a way to calm my already bad temper). I had walked back and forth within a meter of space.

It was finally my turn and the lady tells me “thank you for your patience, I can help you now.”

When we were done, I thanked her, and again, she thanked me for my “patience”.

I walked out and the lady who helped me first thanked me for my “patience”.

You see, I have a problem with that. They of course saw my impatient gestures. They saw my friendly smile fade away as the minutes flew by because the two other people who could assist me went to lunch while I was missing mine.

When they “thank” me for my patience, are they really grateful? I’m sorry to be defensive but that to me seems like mockery. If they saw me patiently reading a magazine while I wait, fine, thank away. But I wasn’t! So are they thanking me that I did not belligerently act out with a childish tantrum or threaten to see the manager?

So please, my dear bank, do not mock me, especially that my other bank was so much better than you.

Forgive my rants. But this is the only place I would bother to vent off my steam regarding this matter.

Okay I’m done.

New Wife: Fresh Start with Name Change

I just came back from a trip to the DMV and my banks. Last Friday, I went to the Social Security Office and the Post Office. For the past 30 minutes, I called several of my credit card companies. And, I’m not even halfway done.

I’m hyphenating my name.

Other than the test of patience which I believe God enjoys challenging me with, I did learn quite a few things as I went to institution after institution, called 1-800 number after 1-800 number.

What I learned that I appreciate the most is the fact that this change of name process has literally been a fresh start for me. New cards, password resets, new pictures. I love it! It’s definitely a fresh start because many of my passwords I’ve already forgotten. Also, some of my cards are quite bent because recently, I’ve just been grabbing them and putting them in my back pocket. I’ve also updated so much outdated information like addresses, phone numbers and communication preferences. That’s right! Finally I would not be bombarded with ads because sorry banks and credit card companies, I’ve turned you off!!

There have been a lot of good to know things I encountered. I learned it is better to go to the DMV later than earlier. My husband told me last night that there’s barely even a line at the DMV. I’m sorry honey, that’s not true! I waited about an hour! Then I realized, he always goes to the DMV around 5pm. That’s probably why he’s never seen a line there! But next time, I’ll do it his way. Oh, also, I learned the DMV is closed every first, second and third Friday of the month.

If there is something I would request to the City Hall regarding name changes, I would advise them to have a limit to the number of characters they’ll allow people to have. My name is legally now 42 characters long. They didn’t stop me so I went on and on thinking that hey, if it’s okay with the courthouse, it should be okay everywhere. Wrong! Everywhere I went, they had to shorten it. There are no forms with enough boxes for 42 characters!

Alright. Rest time is over. More places to call.

Nonetheless, I love my new name! It’s like a new identity without having to change the account numbers.

New Wife: They ask how it feels like

Well, we danced through the first week. Newlyweds, yes, legally.

All this week, I’ve been asked, “How does it feel?”

I realized how much a newlywed feels so much in between feelings of being a girlfriend and a wife. Obviously, right. By status, a newlywed jumps from one role to another. In reality, I think there is that gliding period that one goes through. In chemistry, you can mix two substances then it equilibriates. When it does, you form a new substance. Depending on the substances, the time this all happens varies.

How do I really feel? I feel I have not reached equilbrium at all yet that would form the new substance i.e., the wife. But of course, the substances have been mixed. Just because I’m married you might expect a perky homemaker. Not quite. Especially, Jesús and I have been living together for 2 years before we even got married. Way before the wedding, we’ve already established systems and rules around the house.

How do I really feel? To people who have asked me the question, I’ve answered the simple: I feel great but not really different because we’ve been together quite a while.

But for those who are not just about the small talk, the real answer is that I feel blessed to be loved unconditionally.

It’s not about becoming a wife. It’s not about this new chapter of our relationship. It’s not about now being the Mrs. It’s not even about just love per se. It’s that no matter what, this person, despite what I hate about myself and what he also may hate about me, loves me even beyond his own control.

As I glide through the girlfriend-wife stage, I feel blessed knowing what I feel, fortunate that at least in this aspect of my life, I’m fulfilled. As I glide through the girlfriend-wife stage, I’m still getting used to calling him my husband, learning to be the understanding and lady-like homemaker, letting go of that temperamental child.

I haven’t graduated from my college cravings for Top Ramen noodles but you know what? I just made my first adobo.

Pre-Jesús

I just spent an hour sorting through letterpress types that I will be shipping to the lucky eBay bidder of my press. As I lay here in bed (I chose to rest my head as I was removing the sheets I was going to change) I can’t help but remember how it was before I met Jesús.

I remember my routine. I was off Fridays then so on the first day of my weekend, I would spend it cleaning. Vacuuming, cleaned the windows, scrubbed the tub, rotate the mattress. The days then were incessantly long. If I feel confused now, then, there was nothing even to be confused about (other than relationships, probably, but not necessarily life itself). The days would just go on and on, like eternity on earth of mindless routine that tortured my soul.

Now, days are shorter. I do not vacuum as often. I have to squeeze in scrubbing the tub before taking a shower. Now, it’s like I’m always running out of time. Constantly chasing dreams while barely even accomplishing responsibilities.

In two weeks, we’ll be married. I wonder how things will change then. I pray that our good fortune will be as much as our love because in reality, I am not a hopeless romantic and I know good fortune, or lack thereof, can make relationships flourish, or diminish.

I pray ours will flourish, so my soul will flourish too.

Paramdam

Nagpaparamdam because I want to write again.

And I’m writing here now because I’m too lazy to look for my journal. Sad because I actually do feel like writing – you know, with an actual pen and paper.

But I’ve been glued to my phone incessantly refreshing Twitter, facebook, and CNN and yahoo websites. I did do something more productive earlier and read up on the Kennedy’s while watching the coverage of Ted Kennedy’s memorial service.

Ah but my heart is heavy, and I know why. I’ve been talking it out to my fiancé. It helps. But since the reason is not going away yet or probably anytime soon, the weight is still there. The burden is heavy, perhaps only to me, but to me that’s important.

Cube life

Things I learned from working in a cubicle for the past 2 months:

1. Reading emails immediately as they are received – that little envelope on my taskbar is annoying.

2. Replying (and instantly addressing) emails – if you have constant access to your email, there really is no excuse to not reply to emails that need replying.

3. Ignoring emails – I used to ALWAYS send some form of acknowledgement for emails received. Now I feel it’s okay if you don’t send a Thank You reply if you’re going to see that person in a meeting anyway. Have respect. Do not flood someone else’s email.

4. Despite your solitude, you can never have too much. I cherish it that there are days I don’t even want to have lunch with my former coworkers in the cafeteria, especially when they are not going through the same thing you are. But then again, all we had in common was just the job anyway.

5. Watch more reality shows. There are polls for American Idol,Amazing Race, Survivor and Dancing with the Starsconducted by our neighboring department. They DO go around for you to place your vote. (I’m all for Adam Lambert.)

6. No matter how weird it was in the beginning, I now understand how and why people can talk to each other across and over the walls of their cubes – it’s loud, but I see the convenience. You can participate and not participate at your own will.

7. Resist the urge to always be munching on something just because you can. I couldn’t bring food in the lab, but in my cube, I can eat. I MUST not eat all the time!

8. Writing on my whiteboard very, very, very neatly. With my OC-ness, I re-write my notes if it’s not in a straight line.

9. When conducting an online Webex meeting and sharing your desktop, do not go browsing through Jonathan Rhys Meyers pictures.

10. A coworker asked the protocol in cube life when someone sneezes three cubes down. Do you say bless you loudly or silently? Do you email your “bless you” message? Do you just ignore and cover your mouth to protect yourself?  - I just learned about the validity of the question. I have not answered this question.

LP – Gusali

I am marrying an architect, so yes, buildings have a special place in my heart.

This week’s theme is GUSALI, or buildings.

With the many notable buildings I’ve seen, and more to come with our trip to Madrid and Barcelona next month, I chose my beloved Paris.

I had trouble translating my entry to Tagalog. I got wordy and dramatic, and perhaps I was translating so literally.

House Rules

A day before our engagement, Jésus and I had a major fight. Major. Bigger than any that we’ve had in the past. Too scary, really.

But, we all know we’re past that and I really don’t want to recount a horrible experience.

Now, we are happily engaged with so much to look forward to – a vacation in Spain in a month, wedding planning, life, etc., etc., etc.

But before we actually were able to move on, we had written down house rules both to prevent a fight like what we had, and to know how we both want each other to act in an event of a fight.

The ones we came up with are probably ones in every couple’s rule book. Here’s some that are on our list:

_ During a fight discussion, no more name calling.

_ If we have a problem with each other, write a letter.

_ Issues MUST be resolved before bed time.

_ No more walking out of a fight discussion.

_ No more throwing material objects (pillows okay).

_ There is only ONE objective: TO RESOLVE DIFFERENCES. It is never about winning.

_ Keep discussion within the context of the problem at hand. Save other issues for another discussion.

_ Never give each other the opportunity to be suspicious.

And the list goes on for two more pages. We try to review them every night. I guess it’s to prepare for our married life. We’re having a Catholic wedding – divorce is not an option.

Fairytales of yore

Fairytales are underrated.

I am in my dream of castles and fortresses, of white horses and winged beasts, of running rivers and frozen oceans.

I am in my dream with pearls entwined into my hair, with silk court trains in flowing gold, and even perhaps with an English accent!

I am in my dream when romance moved mountains, when chivalry won hearts, and when swords and honor came hand in hand.

The fairytales that we know of now were the past that others lived so magically. How sad what the fairytales of our children would be, with the wars for the wrong reasons, the hurt for the sake of hurting, the shallow minds afloating. What magic will their creative hearts know of?

Weird what the combination of Narnia and Global Economics brings.

I wish I were in my dreams.